HORRORscope of the WEEK

Filipinos are very fond of horoscope as a guide to their everyday life. As a result, I will post horoscope every week with a twist. I shall call it HORRORSCOPE.

This HORRORscope covers the period 28 March to 03 April 2009. (All quotes are originals of the author. They cannot be used without written permission. Some clips are from www. saiyanisland.com)

1) Aries (21 March - 20 April)
You will meet somebody this week who will be your soulmate. Be sure you are a ghost




2) TAURUS (21 April - 21 May)
Beauty is free if you have more. If you have less, you pay more





3) Gemini (22 May - 21 June)
Don't believe everything your friends tell you. Believe them when they become your enemies




4) Cancer (22 June - 23 July)
An overseas travel is in sight. Be sure to be at the airport on time. Your friends will be upset if you don't bid them 'Goodbye!"




5) Leo (24 July - 23 August)
You will get an upscale this week. Your office shall be transferred to the top floor.





6) Virgo (24 August - 23 September)
Your will have a HOT night with your partner. Be sure to pay the electric bill on time.




7) Libra (24 September - 23 October)
Don't judge others because everything does not weigh the same. Sample your balls.







8) Scorpio (24 October - 22 November
The grass is greener at the other side of the fence especially if you are the fence.


9) Sagittarius (23 November - 21 December)
You will meet your special someone within this week. Don't be surprised if she is your wife.




10) Capricorn (22 December - 20 January)
Your lotto number is lucky. It won first prize in Timbuktu.







11) Aquarius (21 January - 19 February)
Don't be sad. It is better to love and lost than to be lost and found.




12) Pisces (20 February - 20 March)

You will be surprised by the visit of your in-laws especially when you are a nun.

JOKES for the Day

Joke # 1

Sweethearts watchin' the sky...

GUY: ano ang horoscope mo? (What is your horoscope?)
GIRL: anong huruskup? (What is horoscope?)
GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER. (It's your fate, like me, CANCER.)
GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS! ( Ah, for me it's HEMORRHOID!)

Joke # 2

TEACHER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog?
PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?
TEACHER: very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba? (My teacher is beautiful, is she really?)

Joke # 3

DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu! ( As a new maid, remember that breakfast here is six o'clock sharp!)
MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna nakayong mag-almusal! (No problem, Ma'am. If I am still sleeping at that time, you can go ahead and eat your breakfast!)

Joke # 4

SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:
1. birds of the same feather, are the same birds.
2. do not do unto others what you can't do.
3. an apple a day is not an apple at night.
4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone.
5. if others can do it, don't help.
6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine.
7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon.
8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay...may naglalaba. ( A quiet river is deep, a noisy river .... somebody is washing clothes.)


Joke # 5
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"